Back on the Market

woman white dress breakup Hello, gentlemen. I’m backkkkkk.

Remember when I last bid you adieu? Remember how haughty and snotty and certain I was that it would be the last you’d see of me? Absolutely convinced that this time, THIS TIME, I’d never have to re-enter the dating pool?

Yeah, I was an idiot.

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The Ultimate Relationship Test

kayaking for two

Have you ever wanted to kill your significant other? I mean like, were you ever so full of simmering, bubbling rage that you wanted to just close your eyes and have them disappear from the earth forever? Yes?

Well then obviously you’ve tried kayaking for two.

It seems a universal truth that the generally innocuous activity of couple’s kayaking is actually the ultimate relationship test. I don’t know what it is exactly about this date idea that’s so horrific… Perhaps it’s because water sports carry such a low key, fun-loving vibe that you’re royally unprepared for the consequences.

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I Promise I’m Not a Peanut Butter Serial Killer

peanut-allergies

I’m good at making strangers uncomfortable.

When you don’t go into a traditional office everyday, sometimes the most basic human interactions become something of a novelty. Chatting casually with acquaintances about the weather is something I only get to do the one day each week when I work out of a coworking space in Crystal City.

The other four days of the work week mean a whole lot of alone time, broken up only by occasional snuggles with our new foster kitty.

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A Long-standing Pet Peeve

high-five

I haven’t ranted about random human interactions on this blog in a while, but there’s something that I simply can’t abide by a moment longer.

What’s the deal with high fives?

I’m 27. I have a job, an apartment, and an early bedtime. I am not a surfing, camping, pot-smoking hippie. I’m also not a professional athlete or a kindergarten teacher. So, why the hell do people insist on high-fiving me?

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How Not to Flirt

bookstore-flirting

When you’re in a relationship, it’s important not to completely abandon the skills that make you a desirable human. Now I’m not saying you have to actively flirt with every attractive person you come into contact with, but you can’t let yourself become solely a sweatpants wearing, Netflix binging, reddit surfing lump. Bat those eyelashes. Smile at strangers.

Even if you’re coupled up (actually, especially if you’re coupled up) it’s important to occasionally practice skills like the act of flirtation to make sure you don’t lose your touch.

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Your New Baby is Gross

cute-puppy

Am I a monster? I’m pretty sure I must be because today I came to the conclusion that puppies are cuter than newborn babies. Like, wayyyy cuter.

Because brand new humans are kind of disgusting.

Don’t get me wrong. I am psyched to one day be a mom. In fact, I’m probably one of the most annoying women EVER to date because I’m obsessed with the concept of soccermomming someday, but even so, can we all just admit that newborns are totally strange looking?

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The Hot Guy and The Puppy

golden-retriever-puppy

DC is not known for its good-looking people. New York? Of course. Austin? Absolutely. LA? Sure, if you’re into bottle blondes. But DC? Not even a little bit.

That’s why it’s so surprising to me whenever I see a guy who is considerably above-average looking, or as my coworker calls it “symmetrical”.

One thing I’ve noticed recently is every hot guy I see walking down the street seems to have a puppy in tow. Like, an actual, wriggly, schnuggly, adorable puppy.

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That Time I Went to Barneys and Bled All Over the Merchandise

Don’t worry – this is NOT a period post, so you can keep reading gentlemen…

I’m not usually a gross person. I shower regularly, avoid ingesting copious amounts of garlic, brush my teeth, and engage in regular hair removal (I’m half Jewish, you wouldn’t believe my natural eyebrows…) but sometimes I randomly do something so vile, so horrifically out-of-character that I can’t keep it a secret for long.

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Why are we SO Obsessed with Halloween Anyway?

Halloween is THE best holiday. Why? Because you get to play dress-up like a child, eat boatloads of candy, and get drunk with your friends on a weeknight sans judgment. Holidays without heartwarming undertones practically require debauchery. Hence, the affinity my peers and I have for Halloween.

halloween-bar-cart

Photo via Hunted Interior

One great thing about Halloween, besides it being a major flashback to our sunshiny childhoods, is it isn’t all mushy, gushy and family-oriented. Thanksgiving and Christmas are “warm ‘n fuzzy” holidays. Valentine’s Day is for people in love (or bitter single folks who celebrate the 14th ironically). The Fourth celebrates Amurrrica with fire in the sky. Easter is overly religious – and let’s be honest, the whole pastel and bunny thing is borderline creepy. But Halloween? Halloween is a whole other ballgame, folks.

It may seem silly considering most millennials are on a super tight budget, but when it comes to things like brunches and holiday décor — things we deem absolutely necessary for life happiness — we go ALL out.

Our obsession with Halloween is the reason why millennials, more than other demographics, are willing to splurge on mountains of decorations and celebratory swag. You may not be able to pay your cable bill this month, but you sure as hell can shell out $300 for an authentic Game of Thrones character costume.

And all you 29-year-olds can grumble away about how you’re getting too old for this shit, but you can’t just NOT get into the spirit of Halloween. It’s your young-person duty to participate in October 31st festivities. You’re basically surrendering to old age if you fail to purchase at least one glitter pumpkin, string of twinkly lights, or faux spiderweb.

Halloween also affords revelers the opportunity to indulge their escapist fantasies.

When you spend 90% of your week stuffed into a dingy cubical that smells like old baloney and your coworker’s burnt popcorn, most days it feels like the weekend can’t come soon enough. Halloween takes it one step further. It’s more than a weekend —  It lets us distance ourselves from our shitty lives and be whomever we want, whilst collecting ungodly amounts of sugary treats.

Speaking of sugar… Halloween means you can buy jumbo bags of candy in August and justify it as a legitimate trick-or-treating purchase.

“Oh, this enormous bag of sugar is obviously for the kids” you tell yourself as you snarf down your twelfth Reece’s of the hour.

Sugar, booze, ridiculous costumes? Yep, it’s the best day of the year!

How to Meet Guys in 2015

how-to-meet-men

I may not be single anymore, but I’ve cracked the code. I finally know where to find all the great men: Craigslist.

Okay, okay. I know that sounds uber creepy, but I’m not referring to the missed connections section or the personals or whatever. I’m talking about good old-fashioned “buy my couch for thirty dollars please” Craigslist.

Here’s what I’ve found.

In major cities like DC, NY, and LA, people are moving all. the. time. That means everyone and their mother is constantly on the lookout for decent furniture. Young people, no matter what their economic background, can’t stomach West Elm prices on a desk they’ll have for, max, 18 months. So what do they do? They look for deals online.

When a gentleman expresses an interest in whatever item you’ve posted on Craigslist, you might first engage in some witty banter via email. You discuss a time of day when you’re both free. After work? Great – he’s employed! You settle on a price and appreciate his negotiation tactics. Assertive but not pushy. Also, bonus points for the guys who can string together sentences with proper grammatical structure. If you’re lucky, you’ll message with someone who includes an email signature sign-off revealing where they went to college or even what year they graduated. An Ivy? Graduated two years ahead of you? It’s like Christmas morning!

Eventually, you exchange phone numbers to make for a seamless furniture exchange, and when your paths cross, bam. You’re face to face with a real person of the opposite sex who has $30 to spare on a piece of household decor. Score!

Now of course, you don’t know whether or not they’re single, but who cares? You don’t know if someone’s single when you go up to them in a bar either. This method is better than online dating because you can see firsthand if there’s an attraction in person. And the kicker? No one’s trying. There’s no awkward pressure to be adorable or funny or interesting. You can just make small talk over the dent in your bookshelf, exchange bills, and part ways. Then, if you’re interested, you’ve got their digits for follow up.

So obviously this isn’t a tactic I’ll be employing anytime soon, BUT it’s good to know that if shit hits the fan and what I’m dubbing “cohabitation the sequel” goes south, there truly are other fish in the sea. And they’re all apparently browsing Craigslist for 3-year-old Ikea furniture.