I Promise I’m Not a Peanut Butter Serial Killer

peanut-allergies

I’m good at making strangers uncomfortable.

When you don’t go into a traditional office everyday, sometimes the most basic human interactions become something of a novelty. Chatting casually with acquaintances about the weather is something I only get to do the one day each week when I work out of a coworking space in Crystal City.

The other four days of the work week mean a whole lot of alone time, broken up only by occasional snuggles with our new foster kitty.

Continue reading

A Long-standing Pet Peeve

high-five

I haven’t ranted about random human interactions on this blog in a while, but there’s something that I simply can’t abide by a moment longer.

What’s the deal with high fives?

I’m 27. I have a job, an apartment, and an early bedtime. I am not a surfing, camping, pot-smoking hippie. I’m also not a professional athlete or a kindergarten teacher. So, why the hell do people insist on high-fiving me?

Continue reading

How Not to Flirt

bookstore-flirting

When you’re in a relationship, it’s important not to completely abandon the skills that make you a desirable human. Now I’m not saying you have to actively flirt with every attractive person you come into contact with, but you can’t let yourself become solely a sweatpants wearing, Netflix binging, reddit surfing lump. Bat those eyelashes. Smile at strangers.

Even if you’re coupled up (actually, especially if you’re coupled up) it’s important to occasionally practice skills like the act of flirtation to make sure you don’t lose your touch.

Continue reading

Your New Baby is Gross

cute-puppy

Am I a monster? I’m pretty sure I must be because today I came to the conclusion that puppies are cuter than newborn babies. Like, wayyyy cuter.

Because brand new humans are kind of disgusting.

Don’t get me wrong. I am psyched to one day be a mom. In fact, I’m probably one of the most annoying women EVER to date because I’m obsessed with the concept of soccermomming someday, but even so, can we all just admit that newborns are totally strange looking?

Continue reading

The Hot Guy and The Puppy

golden-retriever-puppy

DC is not known for its good-looking people. New York? Of course. Austin? Absolutely. LA? Sure, if you’re into bottle blondes. But DC? Not even a little bit.

That’s why it’s so surprising to me whenever I see a guy who is considerably above-average looking, or as my coworker calls it “symmetrical”.

One thing I’ve noticed recently is every hot guy I see walking down the street seems to have a puppy in tow. Like, an actual, wriggly, schnuggly, adorable puppy.

Continue reading

That Time I Went to Barneys and Bled All Over the Merchandise

Don’t worry – this is NOT a period post, so you can keep reading gentlemen…

I’m not usually a gross person. I shower regularly, avoid ingesting copious amounts of garlic, brush my teeth, and engage in regular hair removal (I’m half Jewish, you wouldn’t believe my natural eyebrows…) but sometimes I randomly do something so vile, so horrifically out-of-character that I can’t keep it a secret for long.

Continue reading

Why are we SO Obsessed with Halloween Anyway?

Halloween is THE best holiday. Why? Because you get to play dress-up like a child, eat boatloads of candy, and get drunk with your friends on a weeknight sans judgment. Holidays without heartwarming undertones practically require debauchery. Hence, the affinity my peers and I have for Halloween.

halloween-bar-cart

Photo via Hunted Interior

One great thing about Halloween, besides it being a major flashback to our sunshiny childhoods, is it isn’t all mushy, gushy and family-oriented. Thanksgiving and Christmas are “warm ‘n fuzzy” holidays. Valentine’s Day is for people in love (or bitter single folks who celebrate the 14th ironically). The Fourth celebrates Amurrrica with fire in the sky. Easter is overly religious – and let’s be honest, the whole pastel and bunny thing is borderline creepy. But Halloween? Halloween is a whole other ballgame, folks.

It may seem silly considering most millennials are on a super tight budget, but when it comes to things like brunches and holiday décor — things we deem absolutely necessary for life happiness — we go ALL out.

Our obsession with Halloween is the reason why millennials, more than other demographics, are willing to splurge on mountains of decorations and celebratory swag. You may not be able to pay your cable bill this month, but you sure as hell can shell out $300 for an authentic Game of Thrones character costume.

And all you 29-year-olds can grumble away about how you’re getting too old for this shit, but you can’t just NOT get into the spirit of Halloween. It’s your young-person duty to participate in October 31st festivities. You’re basically surrendering to old age if you fail to purchase at least one glitter pumpkin, string of twinkly lights, or faux spiderweb.

Halloween also affords revelers the opportunity to indulge their escapist fantasies.

When you spend 90% of your week stuffed into a dingy cubical that smells like old baloney and your coworker’s burnt popcorn, most days it feels like the weekend can’t come soon enough. Halloween takes it one step further. It’s more than a weekend —  It lets us distance ourselves from our shitty lives and be whomever we want, whilst collecting ungodly amounts of sugary treats.

Speaking of sugar… Halloween means you can buy jumbo bags of candy in August and justify it as a legitimate trick-or-treating purchase.

“Oh, this enormous bag of sugar is obviously for the kids” you tell yourself as you snarf down your twelfth Reece’s of the hour.

Sugar, booze, ridiculous costumes? Yep, it’s the best day of the year!

How to Meet Guys in 2015

how-to-meet-men

I may not be single anymore, but I’ve cracked the code. I finally know where to find all the great men: Craigslist.

Okay, okay. I know that sounds uber creepy, but I’m not referring to the missed connections section or the personals or whatever. I’m talking about good old-fashioned “buy my couch for thirty dollars please” Craigslist.

Here’s what I’ve found.

In major cities like DC, NY, and LA, people are moving all. the. time. That means everyone and their mother is constantly on the lookout for decent furniture. Young people, no matter what their economic background, can’t stomach West Elm prices on a desk they’ll have for, max, 18 months. So what do they do? They look for deals online.

When a gentleman expresses an interest in whatever item you’ve posted on Craigslist, you might first engage in some witty banter via email. You discuss a time of day when you’re both free. After work? Great – he’s employed! You settle on a price and appreciate his negotiation tactics. Assertive but not pushy. Also, bonus points for the guys who can string together sentences with proper grammatical structure. If you’re lucky, you’ll message with someone who includes an email signature sign-off revealing where they went to college or even what year they graduated. An Ivy? Graduated two years ahead of you? It’s like Christmas morning!

Eventually, you exchange phone numbers to make for a seamless furniture exchange, and when your paths cross, bam. You’re face to face with a real person of the opposite sex who has $30 to spare on a piece of household decor. Score!

Now of course, you don’t know whether or not they’re single, but who cares? You don’t know if someone’s single when you go up to them in a bar either. This method is better than online dating because you can see firsthand if there’s an attraction in person. And the kicker? No one’s trying. There’s no awkward pressure to be adorable or funny or interesting. You can just make small talk over the dent in your bookshelf, exchange bills, and part ways. Then, if you’re interested, you’ve got their digits for follow up.

So obviously this isn’t a tactic I’ll be employing anytime soon, BUT it’s good to know that if shit hits the fan and what I’m dubbing “cohabitation the sequel” goes south, there truly are other fish in the sea. And they’re all apparently browsing Craigslist for 3-year-old Ikea furniture.

How to Beat the Odds

how-not-to-divorce

Maybe you’ve heard the stat that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Though the accuracy of that number is up for debate, a deluge of celebrity uncouplings this summer have brought to light just how difficult long-term, monogamous relationships can be. Sure, the Hollywood elite aren’t representative of our culture at large, but it’s hard to believe in everlasting love when those who seem to have it all, don’t.

As a diehard romantic, divorce always seemed like the ultimate failure. Growing up, I could think of no worse outcome for my future love life. Separating from your spouse meant there could never be a true Happily Ever After, and that terrified me. (Clearly I was one of many young girls effectively brainwashed by Disney…)

Even so, when it comes to tying the knot, I still feel fairly strongly about choosing the right guy the first time around so I can “have and hold” one person for a lifetime. Ultimately, I know, there is no foolproof strategy for marital success, but it doesn’t mean you can’t try, right?

When you’re in love, the concept of divorce feels so impossibly distant and “other” that you’re certain it’ll never be you. But, one would assume that every couple feels that way when they say “I do” or they wouldn’t be getting hitched in the first place.

After thousands of days waking up next to the same bleary-eyed human though, the thought of splitting up must become more appealing… It’s freedom, it’s a break from monotony, it’s an escape from the insular snow-globe life you created with another person.

With everything we know about the institution of marriage, how can two people today say that marriage is a good idea? If we go into it knowing it will likely fall to pieces, why would anyone ever get married?

Hope.
And delusion.

If you’re smart, you know what your odds are. You understand that vowing to stay committed and faithful to a single person for decades on end is biologically laughable and historically near-impossible, yet, you big fat do it anyway. You convince yourself that you’ll be the exception, not the rule.

But from what everyone tells me… the whole commitment thing is not easy. I guess what I need to come to terms with is the idea that marrying someone doesn’t mean your love life gets any less messy. It just means that you’re experiencing all those ups and downs, and i-love-yous and i-hate-yous with one person.

And maybe you stick it out. Or maybe you give up. But either way, a separation doesn’t have to be as life-ending and earth-shattering as I envisioned as a youngster.

If I charted every moment of my eventual marriage on a scatterplot, diligently recording relationship highs and lows, I’d hope the graph would skew positive. From what I’ve read and seen and heard, however; over the course of a lifetime together, you’re probably lucky if you average out at zero.

The City That Everyone Leaves Behind

leaving-DC
You’re going to leave me. Everyone always does. Just when we start to get comfortable. Just when routines are established. Just when I think we’re as permanent as that tattoo on the top of your foot, you up and walk away.

That’s how things go in DC. We are a town full of leavers.

Continue reading