cuffing season

Guys, guys! For those of you who don’t know, it’s officially cuffing season!

And damn, I want to get cuffed.

Being alone is boring. Everyone else is all huddled up in their annoying little twosomes, whiling away the wintertime cold, and I’m over here by myself eating chocolate chips from a jumbo bag until I feel sick. So really, what’s so bad about wanting a casual relationship of my own to help pass the time?

Ok, ok, a little background.

First of all, cuffing season occurs between Halloween and Valentine’s Day when the weather is shitty and all you want to do is attach yourself to another human being and cuddle under the covers for four months straight. Of course, once the holidays are over and the weather improves, there’s an understanding that you’ll both go your separate ways, because when the sun finally comes out, who has time to be held back by their winter fuck buddy?

So, how do you decide who’s worth embarking upon this delicate (and emotionally fucked up, quintessentially millennial) adventure with?

When you’re a single lady with options, it’s unclear whether you should try to rope in one of your current suitors or go in an entirely new direction.

For instance — should you download a dating app, look for someone hot who lives close by and start chatting them up? Or, should you settle on someone who’s already present in your life in some way? The goal here is minimal effort, obviously, but you don’t want to totally half-ass it and miss out on a cuffing opportunity entirely.

Before you get started on your search, it’s a good idea to decide which characteristics make for a decent cuff buddy to begin with.

You could opt for the person who’s the nicest. After all, it would make sense to spend frigid, wintry evenings with someone who is genuinely warm and kind. But how fucking boring is that? It’s not like you’re looking for someone to physically abuse you or anything, but plain ol’ niceness sounds like such a letdown.

What about the hottest guy? Maybe you have some dopey jock from college who drunkenly DM’s you on Instagram every 3-6 months. He’s attractive, but not much else. In fact, is it possible to die of boredom? If yes, he might be homicidal. He’s not your best bet, but he is insanely good looking so do some research on boredom deaths before you rule him out entirely…

Should you go with the funniest guy? Maybe he’s a good friend who’s kind of always been in the background. He makes jokes about you two getting married one day but then laughs a little too hard afterwards in a way that suggests if you’d let him, he’d get down on one knee and propose on the spot. He might be good for a few laughs, but ultimately you’re likely to ruin that pseudo-friendship and, let’s be honest, laughing won’t leave you entirely satisfied IF ya know what I mean.

So what? Opt for whomever you have the best chemistry with? What if you complicate things and ruin a potential REAL something because you forced the casual hookup/hangout thing too soon?

Anddddd suddenly we’re back where we started.

Cuffing, which could and SHOULD be a fun, frivolous way to avoid being alone on days when you’d rather eat sand than go outside, has suddenly become fraught with the same kind of relationship pressure as all other romantic endeavors.

Maybe, instead of cozying up to someone who is just a mediocre match, you should make some time for yourself. A little self love never hurt anyone 😉

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