We’ve all met him. The Perfect on Paper Guy.

The man who went to Princeton undergrad, before attending Johns Hopkins Med school and finished at the top of his class, all while running a non-profit on the side that helps under-privileged children fulfill their dreams of playing soccer in America. As a doctor, he spends his hectic days in the emergency room saving kids lives while I post Twitter ads for tech startups. In his free time he gives back to the community while I sit on the couch digging into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and watching The Bachelor.

He’s tall, dark, and handsome.

He’s fluent in Italian.

He’s from a wealthy European family with a castle in the countryside. Oh, I’m sorry. A chateau. That’s the proper term. (BTW it took me three tries to correctly spell chateau — and I’m still not sure this is right.)

This human male is literally everything you could ever want. Or, everything you assumed you wanted. On paper.

But when he smiles and introduces himself, you feel… nothing. When he leans over to give you a hug, you’re just… numb.

When he haltingly comments on your last name, and fails to ask you a single question, and refuses to reveal any details about himself that might keep the conversation going… you just know this is the first date AND the last date.

He’s extraordinarily, painfully, almost impressively dull.

Maybe this is one of those instances where a person doesn’t need to develop an appealing personality because he’s attractive enough to just kind of slide by on his good looks. Or, maybe his brain is fried from being on-call in a sick children’s ward for 26 straight hours? Regardless, there’s just no excuse for that kind of utter lack of a personality.

UGH. The Perfect on Paper Guy is the worst of them all.

He holds such promise. You have such high hopes. There is endless potential. And then… just… nothing. You’ve never wanted to kiss someone less in your entire life and that includes your creepy uncle who occasionally gets drunk at family gatherings and gives you stinky, wet, cheek kisses that slide perilously close to your mouth.

Perfect on Paper Guy is a good reminder that chemistry is everything.

It’s either there or it’s not. You can’t force it or make it find you. It’s intangible, indescribable, but damn, you know it when you’ve got it.

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