About a month ago, I watched my ex have a one night stand.

And no, I didn’t follow him to a bar or run into him on a first date. I didn’t look on Facebook to see which events he was interested in attending or badger a mutual friend to reveal his plans.

It was far more innocuous than any of that.

In fact, it was a total accident when I swiped into the snapchat map Saturday night while cleaning up after dinner. Before closing out, I noticed my ex-boyfriend’s bitmoji was hovering in a part of town known for trashy college bars and drunk coeds. How had he never made himself invisible in the app? What a dumbass.

But I was curious… I couldn’t help it.

I zoomed in.

What could he possibly be doing at Dan’s Cafe at 9 PM on a Saturday night? He had always despised going out when we were a couple, but a spot like that was the stuff of nightmares.

Intrigued, I put on pajamas, poured myself a glass (ok, bucket) of pinot grigio, and settled back against the couch cushions. This was going to be an interesting evening. With the TV muted in the background, I plugged in my phone and kept my eyes trained on the snap map.

An hour later later, I watched as my ex’s location slowly shifted over to Bar 801, a roof deck known for its strong rail drinks and fratty crowd. Another spot he never would have stepped foot in when we’d been dating.

Some 22-year-old bimbo must be dragging him down U Street I thought with a flash of schadenfreude. I was certain that at this hour of the night, his feet were killing him, he was cold and bored, and definitely tired of spending his cash on overpriced drinks for some sorority girl.

And yet, rather than head home, his bar crawl continued.

Solly’s, The Brixton, El Rey.

A little after 3 am, his bitmoji re-appeared at the intersection of a popular late night taco truck.

Struggling to stay awake, I virtually followed along as he Ubered out to one of the furthest suburbs from the city. Potomac…? What could he possibly be doing all the way out there?

Well, I had an inkling.


I fell asleep on my couch that night, phone in hand.

The next morning, foggy from lack of shuteye and too much wine, I re-opened the app and checked on my ex-boyfriend’s location. Still in Potomac. Cha-Ching. He had clearly stayed the night and… but wait. He was moving again.

Time to go home buddy.

Except he didn’t. I watched as the little character icon moved around a bit, slowly coming to a stop at my favorite Bethesda brunch spot.

That mother effing asshole.

He was taking this random girl out for pancakes?? In the year and a half we were together, he didn’t take me out for brunch once! Always claimed he wasn’t a breakfast person…

When I checked back a couple hours later, I saw that he was finally home, probably sleeping off the worst of his hangover. I hoped it was a doozy.

Over the next couple weeks I periodically checked snapchat’s map to see if he had ventured back out to that particular stretch of suburbs, but never saw him return to the spot again.

I can’t say for sure I witnessed my ex have a one night stand, but I’m fairly certain that’s what went down.

And guys, if I learned anything here, it’s this: Don’t waste valuable time virtually stalking people who don’t matter. This entire ordeal ended up costing me precious hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Total freaking fail.

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