Source: Flickr CC
Source: Flickr CC

I’m not pregnant – or even married – but I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about baby names.

When I was younger, I was majorly obsessed with American Girl dolls. I had a Molly doll and treated her like she was my baby. So, inevitably, Molly became one of the front-runners for my future daughter’s name.

But, you know how certain perfectly nice, normal names get completely ruined once you know someone awful with the same name? Well, Molly is forever tarnished for me.

Though I knew a handful of adorable Mollys growing up who were spunky, pretty, smart, and athletic, there was this one obese (I’ll be nice) “chubby” girl at sleepaway camp who I’ll always think of when I hear the name. Fat Molly was whiny, annoying, and allergic to eggs but always vaguely smelled like them. She emitted such an unpleasant odor, she was like pigpen from Peanuts with those visible squiggly lines of stink trailing behind her. So, that’s that. Molly is out.

The next option, obviously, was Samantha, my second favorite American Girl doll. Then, in high school, I started watching Sex and The City. Now, no matter how pretty I think it sounds, I just can’t name my baby daughter after a skanky cougar who says things like “now that’s what I call eating in” after blowing a stockbroker in her $10,000/month meatpacking district condo. I just cant.

So it’s time to re-evaluate.

But, first, here are a few other baby girl names that are no longer in the running.

Tiffany

Loved the name. Thought it embodied quirky, eighties awesomeness, but then there was this uber slutty Tiffany in college who hooked up with my boyfriend when we were fighting and I just… can’t even.

Violet

Flowers! I love flowers. This name was high on the list but then Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck named one of their children Violet and it kind of soured me to the name.

Chloe

LOVED this. I had a SUPER cool babysitter once named Chloe and I absolutely idolized her. I promised myself if I ever had a daughter, I’d have to call her Chloe. Then, the day I went to take the SAT II’s I saw a girl CHEATING off her water bottle (equations written on the inside of the label). I was shocked. Appalled. Indignant. I stewed and cursed silently and debated telling the proctor but eventually decided not to be a tattletale. Later, as we were released from the confines of the classroom, I overheard her friend saying “Hey, Chloe, how’d it go?” and I knew that Chloe was no longer an option.

Those are my stories, but I know we all have those people in our lives that so fully embody a name, when you hear it, you’ll never think of anyone else. They’ve left their mark.

Now, I’m asking you guys for input. In 12 bajillion years when I’m FINALLY married and FINALLY pregnant (and a fertility phenom, by the way) what should I name my child?

Oh yeah – I’ve only ever daydreamed about girl names, but I guess I should consider some guy names too. I do have a 50/50 chance of having a boy, after all. Yikes.

Posted in Uncategorized

8 thoughts on “When Totally Awful People Ruin Perfectly Good Names

    1. I’ve always liked the name Thor too..but maybe it’s better for a dog.

  1. Problem with a name like Thor, it just sets expectations. Just make sure its name that most people can pronounce without a phonetic explanation.

  2. so i’m nowhere near married but i constantly think about names. the girl ones come to me so easily, pretty sure my daughter will have one of these names: autumn, noriana (nora), lillian (lily), hope, or arya. for some reason, i have no idea what i’d name my son…any ideas?

Leave a Reply