guys on dating apps

I’d like to dedicate this post to every guy who isn’t awful. You da real MVP.

1. The Options Paralysis Guy

This dude is usually dating 10+ women at a time. He sucks at time management and shudders at the thought of partnering up too soon — even when he’s met a great girl. In his mind, there are too many cute, smart, appealing women at his disposal, so he aims to play the field as long as he can.

Over time, he might begin to entertain the idea of committing to one person, but then, HELL NO, he fires up a dating app just in case there’s someone better out there.

When the two of you are out together, you can tell he’s enjoying himself, but the moment you’re apart, he’s back on the apps, swiping, clicking, messaging… always looking to see if the grass is greener.

2. The Overly Committed Guy

This guy is extremely frightening. It’s not that you don’t want to be with a guy who’s into you, it’s that you don’t want to be with a guy who is SO into you SO fast that you think he might skin you alive and make a sex doll out of your best body parts.

Overly Committed Guy makes jokes about how he wants you to be his girlfriend an hour into the first date. It’s clear he wants to settle down and wife you up and be with you now and forever and frolicking together in heaven and all of this is communicated to you in a cringe-worthy 12-part text thread that blows up your phone within minutes of you walking in the door after the date.

3. The Non-Drinking Guy

Despite labeling himself as an ‘occasional drinker’ on dating apps, Non-Drinking Guy arrives at the date and promptly orders green tea. You’re sitting there with a vodka soda feeling like an alcoholic for ordering booze before he got there and wondering how you got yourself into this situation in the first place.

It’s not that you NEED to be with someone who drinks… it’s just that, actually wait, no, you NEED to be with someone who drinks. Alcohol consumption, in moderation, is a social norm among your friends and family. And traveling to wine country and sampling the local grapes is an activity you plan to partake in far into the future.

A life without this shared interest feels very dry indeed.

4. The Alcoholic Guy

When you show up for your mid-week date and he’s already three sheets to the wind, it’s clear what’s going on.

Alcoholic Guy can present in two ways. Either he’s awkward and quiet and sober early on in the date and proceeds to get shitfaced as the night goes on to the point where, as he’s walking you home, he’s stumbling over his own feet, or, it’s the guy who’s sneaky about his alcohol consumption in order to make you think there’s no problem. He’ll chug half a bottle of whiskey before the date so he can order one beer and seem like he’s got his shit together.

Alcoholic Guy is even worse than non-drinking guy because he’s unpredictable. You don’t know if he’s going to hit you or vomit or pass out, and none of those options is arousing in the least.

5. The Orthodontia Guy

This just might be the worst of them all. You notice early on that he seems to have a small metal retainer nestled tightly against his lower teeth, but you pay it no mind. Sure, it’s not as subtle as Invisalign, but good on him for wearing his orthodontist-approved mouth gear.

But when the popcorn arrives and he promptly clicks the retainer out of his mouth, tosses it — still glistening with strings of spittle onto a cocktail napkin between us, and grabs a handful of the salty bar snack to munch on, it’s impossible not to gag.

Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

Good luck out there, y’all.

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