1. Introduce him to your parents on a day when he and your dad happen to be dressed identically. Are madras shorts making a comeback or something? They probably shouldn’t be…
2. Circle his bicep with one hand and exclaim (loudly! in public!) “Aw, look, my fingers can touch!” Even if it’s clear his arms could use some bulk, he doesn’t need you to remind him.
3. Make jokes comparing his manhood to rigatoni. Just because it’s your favorite kind of noodle, doesn’t mean he’s ok with being compared to the choad of the pasta world.
4. Offer up a pair of your ex-bf’s boxers after a Saturday morning shower sesh. Turns out every guy ever in the world would prefer to wear increasingly scummy undergarments for a weekend than step into another dude’s junk holder.
5. Go apartment hunting on craigslist and email him links to one-bedrooms you like. Even following with “not yettttt (winky face)…” doesn’t make this ok.
6. Facebook stalk him immediately following your first date and tell him how adorable his cousin-from-Wisconsin’s kids are. Bonus points if you can name drop the family pets in later conversations. Nothing freaks a guy out so much as overzealous fb research.
7. Explain in excruciating detail the amazinggg dream you had about him last night in which he emptied your dishwasher and took out the trash. No, those aren’t euphemisms for something sexy.
8. Tell him you have a strict life timeline that has you walking down the aisle when you’re 26 (just two years away, sweetiekins), pregnant at 28, knocked up again by 30, and popping out the last kid before 33. I mean, a little planning never hurt anyone…
Confession: I’m not saying I’ve done ALL these things, but I’ve definitely done more than I’d like to admit. Oopsies.