Source: Flickr CC
Source: Flickr CC

Maybe I’m surrounded by a lot of confident guys who don’t feel the need to brag about their genitals, but it seems to me that penis talk has decreased since my college days. I guess at this point, men realize they’re pretty much stuck with what they’ve been given and it’s time to embrace their manhood.

Recently I was talking with someone who stated that, while he considered himself to be of average size, from time to time, he would experience the sensation of “throwing a hot dog down a hallway” during sex.

(Charming, I know.)

But that got me thinking. Were the lady bits in this instance just abnormally loose or was the guy’s member smaller than he cared to admit?

This led me to ponder sexual situations according to game theory. Bear with me here.

Let’s say there are four outcomes in the Penis and Vagina payoff matrix:


Outcome #1: Big D (2) and Big V (2) both feel equally satisfied
Outcome #2: Big D (3) feels really awesome, and Small V (1) feels pretty awesome but has some issues with magnum-sized dick
Outcome #3: Small D feels nothing but the cold emptiness of the abyss (-1), Big V asks “Is it in?” (-1)
Outcome #4: Small D (2) and Small V (2) both feel equally awesome

The levels of sexual satisfaction for the male (and isn’t that what we’re usually oh so concerned about?) will vary based on the size of the hooha he’s fucking.

So, for a guy, maximum pleasure will likely occur during sexual Outcome #2 (Big D, Small V), although #1 and #4 would likely be pleasurable as well. That “hot dog down a hallway” sensation is most likely to occur during sexual situation #3.

But really, it’s all relative.

A girl with a perfectly average vagina might seem cavernous if she’s having sex with a man with a micropenis. And a woman with large, loose lady parts might never realize it if she exclusively hooks up with guys with huge dicks.

But what does this all mean from a relationship standpoint? Well, first of all, if you’re happy with your current situation, good for you. Savor that shit.

If you’re sadly in the throes of a Prius-in-an-8-lane-tunnel sexual quandary, (i.e. outcome #3), there are ways to improve your sex life! Communicate with your partner. Sure, it may seem scary – especially if it’s just a casual thing – but don’t rule it out. Speak up!

Ultimately, it’s up to you to do whatever it takes to create the illusion of outcome #1.

I’m not sure if my point here is that game theory can be applied to any situation regardless of its significance, or that everything – even dry mathematical concepts – can become a metaphor for sex. Either way, thanks to the renowned Uchicago Econ department for helping to hammer home these points back in the day…

(See dad, I was paying attention in class!)

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