Yesterday I laughed so hard I couldn’t stop. It was one of those wheezing, gasping, uncontrollable guffaws when standing up seems like too much work and you have to sit down or fall over or do something to help calm the overwhelming wave of giggles. To be honest, I don’t even remember what was so funny in the first place. All I know is it felt great to be in the company of good friends and

I know in reality I’m a spoiled little princess who is living off a monthly allowance from my parents, but life still feels stressful. I have important decisions ahead of me and they feel monumental. They are monumental. And last night I realized, it’s been a while since I’ve laughed so hard.

The little boy I babysit for (let’s call him “M”) laughs all the time. He finds pleasure in the simplest things. When I pick him up after school, he ogles clouds and sidewalk cracks; he picks up pebbles and taps on windows; he sprints down the sidewalk and screeches to a halt at every corner before reaching for my hand to help him cross the street.

M laughs maniacally when the homeless guy on the corner greets him: “Hey there little dude”. M laughs when the cashier at The Med drops a penny on the floor. M laughs when I make a silly face, or when he puts on my sunglasses, or when lemonade escapes from his cup and dribbles down his chin. He’s a cheery, happy, excitable little boy but sometimes when I see his face light up it saddens me because I know I used to be like that.

Once upon a time, EVERYTHING made me laugh. My two best friends in high school constantly had me rolling on the ground in stitches. In fact, I used to thank them for my great abs because I was convinced it was all the cackling that led to nice muscle definition. These days, when I’m with M, and I see his adorable little face dissolve into laughter, I miss the old me. I miss the me that had a million things to laugh about. I don’t think I’m un-happy per se, it’s just that this period of my life feels extremely unsettled and scary and I’m finding I have a lot less to laugh at.

Thanks Steph and Sam for bringing back my hysterical, hiccuping, paralyzing, laughter 🙂

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