I like my iphone, but there are days when I long for my old blackberry keyboard. Texting was just so much BETTER before the days of touchscreens. To be fair, I type some pretty weird shit so it’s not like I expect autocorrect to anticipate my sentences, but still. It’s frustrating.

Thankfully, emojis exist. I mean, seriously, they are the best.

Emojis are useful because you can convey semi-complex emotional states with just the flick of a finger. If you use just the right combination of smiley faces, whales, and cookies, you can put together surprisingly coherent texts without having to type more than a word or two.

In spite of this, I feel pretty strongly that most emojis aren’t being used to their full potential. Sure, a smiley face is a smiley face, but there’s so much more to them than that.

So, without further ado, here’s the true story behind the five emojis I use most often.

The BJ


Post-fellatio gaggy face. When you reluctantly swallow and immediately regret it.

The Fuck No I Can’t Ever Be Happy For YOU


When a former mean girl announces her engagement on Facebook, it’s hard enough to be happy. But, when the guy is cute and the ring is huge, it’s impossible to feel anything but vomitocious. Hence, this face.

Note: This emoji can also double as the face of someone waiting in line at the DMV. But that’s a different story.

The Awkward Friend


Ummm hey, guys, do I have any food in my teeth? No? You sure? Nothing? Guys?

The Silent But Deadly


Obviously, you just farted.

The Kristen Stewart


Because only that actress and this emoji manage to look so perfectly forlorn and bitchy at the same time.




2 thoughts on “The Real Story Behind Your Favorite Emojis”

  1. Now if you had an Android, you could swipeIT or SWYPE, meaning slide your finger from letter to letter instead of tapping out each letter at a time.

    1. That’s true. I’ve heard that works pretty well! But I’m not sure I’d ever give up my iPhone… I’m ridiculously hooked on apple products!

Leave a Reply