dating_appsI wish my dating apps could just be happy for me.

I deleted them for a reason – a good reason. The best reason, really. And yet they keep bugging me.

Find out who’s into you, Kat!

Brett thinks you’re a hottie, message him today!

You and Jake both swiped right!

It’s a match!

Re-activate your account!

Oh my goddd shutttupppppp.

I get that apps need to grow their user base. They’ve got to think about their reputation and revenue and whatnot, but if their brogrammers were using their noggins, they’d rework the algorithm, taking into account the fact that when someone deletes a dating app from their phone, it means they are no longer interested in receiving emails from said dating app.

But, seriously, are these apps deliberately trying to ruin my relationship?

I love having one important person in my life. I despise dating. It’s awkward and stressful and I spend hours trying to figure out if there’s food in my teeth or if I’m sweating through my pants or if I’m saying “like” too much.

Having a boyfriend is great because you can stop worrying about those minor details and just be your (totally weird, hopefully endearing) self. And yet, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, OKcupid, etc. just do not seem to want to accept when they’re not wanted. It’s like, because I found a guy in the real world and not through some newfangled love technology, the dating apps feel snubbed. They can’t stand the fact that I achieved romantic bliss all on my own without their complicated code narrowing down my options and paving the way.

So, I guess the only solution is to continue to ignore their pleas for my return. I don’t care about Jason the paramedic or Ted the defense contractor or Drew the doctor! (JK I totally care about Drew the doctor. I’m not dead inside.)

Mostly though, I just don’t feel any desire to reinstall dating apps simply so I can “grab drinks after work” with someone who is my perfect algorithmic match but missing a quintessential, intangible something in real life.

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