a roster of men

My wise little sister recently explained to me the importance of having a “roster”.

For all of us single gals out there, it’s apparently imperative to have a lineup of guys who will conveniently make themselves available to you should the need arise. I’m not sure what that “need” entails exactly, but I suppose it runs the gamut.

Like… if you want a buddy for bowling after work? Call Guy #1.
Feeling horny and want to hook up? Oh, that’s Guy #4’s role.
Just want a foot rub and cuddles on the couch? Guy #2 is alllll about them schnuggles. He might whip up a meal for you too, if you ask nicely.

When you haven’t yet found The One, you might need four, five, hell, even six guys to fulfill your various desires.

The starving artist might be the best in bed, but he can’t pay for your dinner, so you have to schedule dates with your hot male hedge fund friends who do have money to burn. One guy might be super handy and good at getting stuff done around your apartment, but once he’s done fixing the leak in your shower, he’s pretty much been rendered useless and needs to be given the boot.

Of course, there’s the ex-marine with god-like abdominals (who knows approximately four multisyllabic words) and the sweet geek with the warm smile who’s always down to fix your laptop when it dies. There’s the funny guy (whose breath always smells weirdly like brie — or is it mushrooms?), and the sophisticated journalist (with the slight pot belly).

These guys aren’t officially on the roster, but they’re safe backups in case one of your main men tinders his way into a legit relationship thus becoming unavailable to you.

It’s not the ideal scenario, but the roster can be adjusted as life runs its course. After all, cheese breath can probably be eliminated with Scope and regular flossing, and that dude down the hall with the buddha belly just needs a couple weeks of high intensity interval training to make his bod more appealing.

The concept of the roster sounds great in theory, but what’s shocking to me is how hard it seems to be to find the top quality from each guy in one single male human.

Is it really too much to ask for nice, funny, hot, smart, sexy, spontaneous, and loves dogs and children? Why do I feel like I’m searching for a needle in a haystack??? And why does is seem like I’ve been rummaging through this same fucking haystack for a goddamn century now?

I guess the roster serves as a decent temporary replacement for a healthy relationship, but it certainly falls short of the real deal. So it’s just that.


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