Am I a monster? I’m pretty sure I must be because today I came to the conclusion that puppies are cuter than newborn babies. Like, wayyyy cuter.

Because brand new humans are kind of disgusting.

Don’t get me wrong. I am psyched to one day be a mom. In fact, I’m probably one of the most annoying women EVER to date because I’m obsessed with the concept of soccermomming someday, but even so, can we all just admit that newborns are totally strange looking?

I find it bizarre when pictures of bloody, placenta-smeared infants pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. Can’t that one thing not show up on social media? Is that too much to ask? I’m just saying — how ‘bout we hold that one aside for the family photo album.

It’s so absurd too.

Facebook wouldn’t DARE show a nipple — god forbid — but a small gooey human while I’m eating breakfast is apparently perfectly acceptable.

In some photos, there have literally been chunks of the mother’s innards (<< click if you dare) stuck in a few stringy threads of baby hair and I have to see that before I’ve finished my morning coffee. It’s an outrage! Zuckerberg, come on man. I know you’re amped about being a new dad, but can you please give the rest of us a way to filter out the nasty newborn stuff a little better? Surely you have developers on staff who can tweak the algorithm just so…

Sorry to be bitter.

I’m happy for all the new moms out there. I am. I really hope to join your ranks one day. But, I know I’ll waitfiveminutes before projecting my newborn’s face into cyberspace for the world to see. And even if I do eventually decide that Facebook is the right platform to share what should be the most private of family moments, I promise you, I’ll make sure all goo has been wiped from my child prior to snapping the pic.

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